The Hazards of Dating While Lawyering: Three Reasons Relationships Are Different for Attorneys

By Christine V. 

Ask any lawyer to share the worst parts of his or her job, and you’ll likely hear a bevy of tales about unpaid work, unreasonable clients, and deranged opposing counsel. What lawyers are often more hesitant to share, though, are the true horror stories: the dates that went south as soon as the word lawyer was mentioned, and the long-term relationships ruined by evil judges and endless work. Dating is simply different when you’re a lawyer, and accepting – even embracing – this fact can help you ace your next date.

 No One Understands the Legal System

Few non-lawyers understand how the legal system works. The problem, of course, is that they all think they’re experts. From spinning hare-brained schemes to win your next case to endlessly failing to understand the concept of legal precedent, non-lawyers can be endlessly frustrating to talk to about work. And that’s before they start asking for free legal advice or referring their friends and family to you for “just one” letter or question or lawsuit.

 It’s helpful to spend a little time educating your dates about your job if you think the relationship might go somewhere serious. The legal system, in truth, is not that complicated. It’s just that people need the basic framework in order to understand how you spend your day. If a date seems interested, offer to give him or her a quick tutorial. And if your dates start offering your legal advice, smile, nod, and change the subject.

 Lawyers Don’t Work Like Other Professionals

In the legal system, deadlines are non-negotiable. Most lawyers don’t work traditional schedules; instead, they work till the work is done. This might mean weeks of a light workload followed by a series of all-nighters. For a non-lawyer, this unpredictable schedule can be tough to understand.

 Let’s be real, though: this problem is at least partially lawyers’ own making. Attorneys are notoriously disorganized, and a more organized schedule can help you avoid the misery of a last-minute brief, not to mention the argument it frequently triggers. It’s not always possible to control your schedule, though, so help your dates understand how your schedule works by only committing to plans when you know you can make it.

 Arguments Can Spiral Out of Control

Every lawyer learns the virtues of the Socratic method in law school, and peppering a witness with increasingly aggressive questions is often the only way to get the information you need. Real-life romantic partners, however, tend not to like being cross-examined. Lawyers tend to fall into cross-examination mode without even realizing it. This can make requests for more information seem aggressive, and make fights nearly impossible to resolve.

 They key is to keep your inner lawyer in check. You might be an authority in the courtroom, but in the world of relationships, a balance of power will maintain harmony. Only ask a question when you are genuinely interested in its answer, and never use questioning as a weapon. Instead, allow your dates to gradually share more and more of themselves at their own pace.